How to Join a Conversation and Disagree Politely in English
“Sorry, sorry, my English is bad. I don’t know the word. Sorry. The place is… maybe… I mean…”
Read that again and ask what the group learned from it. They learned that the speaker is sorry, that the English is bad and that there is a place involved. They did not learn which place, why it matters or what the speaker wants to happen. The speaker may have had a good point, even the right point, but the point stayed inside.
This is the most common way a learner with a real opinion loses a discussion: not with wrong grammar, but with a sentence that never gets started or never finishes. The lesson below takes that one sentence apart and rebuilds it with seven short phrases. It is written for learners at about B1 who can already make a sentence and want to use it while other people are talking.
Apology first, idea never
The first problem is order. The apology comes before the idea, and it is long enough that the group forgets they were waiting for an idea.
One short Sorry can be right when you really interrupt someone. A long apology before every opinion is a different thing, and it asks the listeners to look after your feelings before they can hear your point. Compare:
- Sorry, my English is not good, but maybe I can say something, but I’m not sure.
- Can I add something? My concern is the timing.
The second one is shorter and does more. Can I add something? tells the group that you want a turn, and it leaves a space for your idea. Natural, short and enough.
Entering without a speech
Once you have the turn, the next temptation is to explain everything. Imagine the group is deciding when to meet on Saturday and eight o’clock is a problem for you because the first bus from your area is not reliable on weekends, and if you take the second one you might arrive late, and maybe everyone will think… You can hear the sentence getting longer. That is the sentence Emily builds in her head in the episode, and it never gets said.
The group only needed to know two things: eight is difficult for you, and you would like to suggest nine. Clear communication is not the same as complete communication. Say the part the other people need in order to answer you.
A small frame helps, and each step is one short sentence:
- Enter: Can I add something?
- Say what matters most to you: The main thing for me is the transport.
- Give one reason: The first bus is not very reliable on weekends.
- Offer an option: Could we start at nine instead?
Four sentences, none of them impressive, and together they are a complete contribution.
A small repair on the second step: The main thing for me is everything is not a sentence anyone can answer. Choose one thing: the cost, the time, the transport.
A verdict is hard to answer, a concern is not
Look at these two ways of disagreeing with the same plan:
- Eight is bad.
- My concern is that some people may arrive late if we start at eight.
The first one sounds like a judgment of the idea, and the other person has two choices: defend the idea or be offended. The second names the problem you are looking at. It gives the group something specific to answer. They can agree, give new information or suggest another solution, and any of the three moves the discussion forward.
The same repair works for other short verdicts. Saturday is bad can become The main thing for me is transport on Saturday. Start later can become Could we start a little later instead? When you notice that you are about to say a verdict, ask which problem is behind it and say the problem.
Answering a different view without a fight
Suppose the other person has a good reason for eight: the room gets busy later. Now you do not need to attack their reason or pretend you did not hear it. A bridge is enough:
I see what you mean, but nine would still give us two hours before lunch.
I see what you mean does not mean “You are right and I am wrong.” It means “I understand the point you are making.” The word but then brings in your own view, and the order matters: recognizing first makes the other person more ready to hear the second half.
Compare these answers to the same suggestion, “Let’s hold the meeting online”:
- No, that’s wrong.
- I see what you mean, but I think the final discussion would be better in person.
The second recognizes the other idea and then adds one clear difference. The first closes the conversation.
If you want something softer than I disagree, try I see what you mean, but I’m looking at it a little differently. If you hear yourself saying No. We should do it my way, change it to I see what you mean, but I think we should look at one other option. The first version is grammatically simple and socially quite strong.
Bringing in new information, and letting your plan change
This is the part that a prepared speech cannot do. Say you suggest the library and the other person answers: “The library closes at six, and two people cannot arrive before six thirty.” If you repeat “But the library is quiet,” you have ignored what you were just told.
The better move is to take the new fact and change something:
Okay, that changes it. Could we find a quieter café instead?
Notice what stayed and what moved. The concern about noise stayed. The library did not. Staying in the conversation can mean adjusting the idea, and adjusting is not losing. You can see the same thing in a second example in the episode, a community book sale where the speaker changes the suggestion twice, from a later start for everyone to two early volunteers, and then to four. The speaker keeps the aim, volunteers who can arrive on time, and does not defend the first sentence.
When the sentence falls apart
Now the other case. You have entered, you know your point and halfway through the sentence it goes wrong. Maybe you say The library is more… more easy for hearing… and you hear it.
Many learners start the whole sentence again, then again, and by the third time nobody is listening. Do not rebuild. Protect the idea with one phrase and say the simpler version:
What I’m trying to say is, the library is quieter, so it is easier to hear everyone.
The repair does not pretend that the first try was perfect, it protects the meaning, and it moves forward. Here is the same idea two ways, from the episode:
- Sorry, sorry, my English is bad. I don’t know the word. Sorry. The place is… maybe… I mean…
- The café might be too loud. What I’m trying to say is, the library would be easier for a group discussion.
If you need a second to find the word, take a second. A short pause is allowed. The goal is not zero hesitation, it is keeping the communication moving.
Leaving room after your point
The last problem happens after you have said everything right. You finish your point, there is a short silence, and the silence feels uncomfortable, so you add another reason. Then another.
The upgrade is a single question: What do you think? Then stop and listen. Confident communication is not holding the floor for as long as possible. It is making your idea understandable and then giving the other person room to respond. You do not need to win the conversation, you need to take part in it. It is harder than it sounds, but you can test it: did you leave space?
Drills with answers
The drills are written for this page, not from the podcast.
Rewrite the first sentence
Rewrite each first version so it does the job in one or two short sentences.
- “Sorry, I don’t know if I should say this, but I think maybe the day is not good for me, because I have many things.”
- “Friday is bad.”
- “No, we should go to the park.”
- “I think… the idea is… the plan is more… hard for the people who… no, I mean the people who come by bus.”
Answers
Yours may differ, but check the shape.
- Can I add something? The main thing for me is the day. Friday is difficult because of work. Could we try Saturday?
- My concern is that Friday is difficult for people who finish work late. Or The main thing for me is the time on Friday.
- I see what you mean about the café, but I think the park would be quieter. What do you think?
- What I’m trying to say is, the plan is hard for the people who come by bus. Then, if it helps: Could we start a little later instead?
Choose the better move
Choose A or B.
- The group is already talking and you want to say something. A: wait until someone looks at you. B: Can I add something?
- The other person says the café is close to the station and you prefer the library. A: You are wrong. B: I see what you mean, but my concern is the noise.
- You say your point and suggest an alternative. A: keep adding reasons. B: What do you think?
- Someone gives you a fact that breaks your plan. A: repeat your first idea. B: Okay, that changes it. Then change something.
Answers
- B. It gives you a clear entry without a speech.
- B. It recognizes the other view and names a problem.
- B. Then listen. A fills the silence but leaves no room.
- B. The fact is new information, and the useful response uses it.
Write your own short contribution
Choose a real situation, such as a meeting time, a place for dinner or a way to travel. Write four sentences: an entry line, one main point, one reason and one option. Then add What do you think? at the end.
Answers
One possible answer: “Can I add something? The main thing for me is the cost. Dinner at that restaurant is expensive for a weekday. Could we try a cheaper place near the station instead? What do you think?” The test is whether another person can answer without asking you to explain.
A short conversation to read aloud
Written for this page, not from the podcast. A team is choosing a day for a lunch.
Mina: Let’s do it on Wednesday at twelve.
Tom: Can I add something? I see what you mean, but my concern is the time. Some of us have a meeting until twelve thirty.
Mina: That’s true. The restaurant is full after one, though.
Tom: The main thing for me is that everyone can come. Could we meet at twelve forty-five instead?
Mina: Hmm. Twelve forty-five is late if we want a table. What I’m trying to say is, we should book before we choose the time.
Tom: Okay, that changes it. I can call them today. What do you think about twelve forty-five if they have a table?
Mina: Good. If not, we try Thursday.
Read it aloud twice. First, mark each phrase from this lesson. Second, notice where Tom changes his mind (Okay, that changes it) and where Mina repairs her own sentence.
Worries that keep people quiet
My English is not good enough yet
The phrases here are short on purpose. You do not need advanced English to say Can I add something? or My concern is the timing. These phrases do not make your English more advanced. They make your next move easier to understand.
I do not agree at all. Can I still say I see what you mean?
Yes. It says you understood, not that you are persuaded. If you are not sure that you understood, you can ask: What part do you think will be difficult?
Sounding sure without sounding rude
Be clear, not powerful. I think this would work better because… is often enough. Words such as definitely make the sentence stronger, but they also claim certainty you may not have.
The other person says “I don’t think that will work”
You do not need a perfect defense immediately. Ask for the missing information first.
What to say, move by move
| You want to | Say |
|---|---|
| join a discussion | Can I add something? |
| name what matters most | The main thing for me is… |
| disagree and keep the other view | I see what you mean, but… |
| name a possible problem | My concern is… |
| offer an option | Could we… instead? |
| repair a sentence | What I’m trying to say is… |
| give the turn back | What do you think? |
This week, try one real conversation, or one practice conversation if you prefer, and say one idea when you have a turn, before it is perfect. Keep it short enough that the other person can respond.
Hear it in a real conversation
Want to hear Paul and Emily go from a Saturday plan to a book-sale planning problem, with every entry, concern, repair and change of plan in context? Listen to the episode and read the transcript in Communicate with Confidence Without Waiting for Perfect English.